your head wasn't spinning in circles
spewing green-esque all around.
your body wasn't in ventriloquy
screaming words in foreign tongue.
your heart wasn't in dissection
inoperable & disconnected.
so…then why couldn't you get past
everything i accepted
and let this love affair fucking fly.

our battles rivaled that of
the creation of heaven and hell.
omnipotence versus pride.
love versus necessity.
a gaping whole and how to fill it.
your a fallen angel & cherub.

word by word
the circles we drew
slowly began to asphyxiate.

the night sky opened up
and screamed out my name.
they let me crawl in
and now im gone.

we spoke a language to complex
for any intellectual to decipher.
we were landlocked in our kingdoms.
a clusterfuck of of of, barriers & blockades.
im not the key to fit inside your lock and
i cant come back and open pandoras box.
this lock needs to be opened by you.
like mine, now you, like mine, now you.

as i depart these sheets i pray for you.
the past has come and gone
and i will no longer dwell.
i pray that you will wake today
and smile at the site of the sun.
i pray that you will get through
your aches and woes without me
there to hold your hand.
its time for me completely forgive
the ones that have done me wrong.
four years of wrong, the same wrong.
i pray you will get through today
in suspense for what tomorrow will bring.
resentment is all i have for you
and it needs flee from me , to be free.

the spotlight, it blinded me and i twitched.
jagged pieces surround me on the floor.
with each step i break another piece.
im breaking every piece.
a conscious metamorphosis stuck
unconsciously stagnant.
snowballing backwards, jumbling,

as the night's veil wraps around my eyes,
i fall in love with an unconscious stream.
figments of beauties ill never meet.
midsummer dreams.

consciousness, in all its guises.
lays me down, and rings me out.
each night im reminded of purity.
envied innocence.
i trip in routine, down three hundred fourteen steps.

sun•tinged sill, let me slumber.
duality, my masterful doppleganger
rationale, let my wounds bake,
these scars never stung so much.
healed, and long ago sealed.
dusty, tucked, and infinitely folded,
this child made from paper,
wants to be crumpled again.

the movie reel spins and i see you bawl.
a poor hopeless boy longing for happy endings.
but the answer lay in a knot tied with perfection.
i hope before you kicked out the bucket
you said i love you.

every-which way i stand here haunted by your reflection
it kissed your neck and loved you more then anyone ever could
im haunted, im haunted, im haunted.
the concrete walls that became your tomb.
the rusted halo with emotions consumed.

die dead die

the bluedress you wore
should have been my burial shroud.

as the days go on i walk down the halls
and think to myself if was what i said that made
you tie yourself up that night.
if i could be your martyr and lie in the ground
infested with maggots i would in a heartbeat.
if i could go back in time to that night
when your tears flooded the basement
ide hang myself isn your stead.
i would make sure the world knew
what your father did and didnt do.
that your mother was your only
real parent and truly loved you.
the polish invasion has lost
its one and true captain.

you wasted.

in hopes that this time apart
allows these words to resonate
i write you this.
In hopes that this silence
has loosened our perpetual state of
gridlock i write you this.
in hopes you've started on the path of forgiveness  
i write you this.

by now i long you have little care for any of this
but a one sided conversation is all i asked for this year
you will have to hear me this one last time
and to help ive spared you my voice

julia, my everything
i hope something i say here gracefully
holds your heart one last time,
in a way my presence once did.
the end to our story was more tragic
then any third act, i cant stop
thinking if ill ever find one like you again.
my dreams keep telling me i never will.

tragic, was this war of the roses.
we were both pure, passion poured.
we bled red, and were sewed so tight.
every waking moment, with you by my side
I felt a step above the the rest.
Yes, your beauty made me brag.
Yes, your beauty made me brag.
but like all great men we fall.

We fell so far below
our lush, lustful pedals.
we kept falling to where
our spines lay made of thorns
and no matter the love,
that lay behind our eyes,
unspoken and strong
the more we held on
the deeper they would dig.
the faster we would bleed.
my dear if I hadn't been choking
on blood and losing sight of your face
you'de be holding, like you always did
today as I turn 24.

how does a king forget
the only queen thats ever sat inked on his arm.
my cherub, perfectly posed,
wearing the halo our fathers gave you.
How does a man forget the women
who called him names he always begged for.
How can I leave the smile that made my world disappear.
i blame myself, for the deck that dealt me serpents.
i blame myself for my past,
and what i let them put me through.
but i can not blame myself for doing
what i did to you.

im still here struggling to accept our fate
I self medicate over the loss of love
for the first time without a blade.
in secret i remove my mask
and sit to watch my reflection grasp
at a myriad of figments.
figments and frames
reliving our days.
that brick wall i felt every time
i walked up your stairs.
the taste of your body after waiting
days for you to shower.
the warmth of your bed in
a pitch black room.
times you felt like treating
me to a night in heels.
the pleasure i got
in giving you diamonds.
the pleasure i got
of giving my world to you.
and the best of all are
moments like this one,
when i know i can still i cry.
when i prove im not completely numb.

our love was more then words can tell.

closure, on said topic, has been reached.
i am no longer reaching deep down,
to pull out the tools necessary to lift up their hoods & see if a screw is loose.
we all know everyones fucking screws are loose.
i will never again fall into their gaping wholes
im way to young to be this cynical
im stuck, knee deep in shit.

every day that tacks onto the 36641
i gain composure, and loose another.
i could just sit back, feet up, and be…
but then i wouldn't be the person i know to be.
the person ive slaved to become.
im way to young to be this informed

i thank him for my mother
i ask him why, for my father
i beg him for another and
i beg him for another
i try to comprehend this equation
filled with irrational variables
that clusterfuck fuck , fuck, fuck  my brain.
im way to young to be this alone.

with the prized jewels
that i lionize as perfection.
many a times my heart
bled corrected.

force feeding illusions
i fell before her thrown.
begging for forgiveness
threatening our children.
into her eyes i slept.
until she let me slither down
her curves and patch up
the ladder of cuts
that grazed the arm.
these walls are holy.

lusting for the fix.
forcing my eyes to twitch.
in between the strobe
ill stealth around and
gouge each and every socket out.
so the prisms can prance around
grinding rainbows until my mouth is .
raw.

the methsyndrome is upon me.
so be ready to blow it all.

every clump of words
brings me back.
to a place where i sat on the floor.
wishing tomorrow
wouldn't be like the last
and the day before.

tiptoeing to the casket where my creator lay stiff.
rationalizing the way i would handle the glimpse.
as my eyes beganto focus on the pale face covered in shrouds.

my silent scream left my imagination to run wild,
a hanging corpse soon would dance with my father.

twitching choking lying & dying
erratically scratching at my gums.
spitting chunks and blood.
ants have infectested.

neon lights lead me off the plank.
as i jump from this ship blurring & swirling.
turning, curling, im dripping, im gnawing.

its dry and cracking
i cant get rid of the stench of my insides
his eyes reflect my own
and his body is scarred.

i have been reborn
with hallucinating hands.

if i could consume all your woes,
until the morning sun made you smile,
i would devour them all.

lust, another human error.
a long long long time until a reset. im sorry.
one, to hurt and unable; lost in reality
our conversations epitomize my past.
a full circle, three rounds, time is up. im very sorry
our talking was never communicating
your self mutilation wasnt even pleasurable.
my knowledge is mistaken by the ones
untaught to be my tragic flaw. im so fucking very sorry.

there she is on the pedestal lined in rubies.
tear lined tiara fashion upon a, crosshatched bone.
your a skeleton in my store window.

her bullets are masquerade parties
lined with elaborate collar kisses.
she brings the pizzaz
prancing down the grand staircase
as the glistening chandelier
makes you sparkle and shine.

scalp your head with diamonds
and ill march along them.
peeling away your flesh
longing your demise.

my queen, my love
my only, my everything.

i want you to know
i will be crawling to and fro
from each over analyzed thought
until i find what i lost , some years ago.

what has made me this way?
why cant i see straight anymore?

i am at point, where i can no longer
gaze into the mirror & pry into my mind
without some sort of forced, physical, change.

do i gouge out my eyes,
and replace them with spherical grey glass?
sever my enormous ears.
scratch off each and every blemish, scar, and scab?
swallow the tongue i never used on you?
are you the change i need?
or am i just painting the face onto you
because i cant accept the monster ive become.
living life like this is not living.

living love like this is not living.
living love like this is not loving.
living life like this is not living.
im s o r r y.

illegal trade relations between a zombie and his creator
i sit here waiting for the next time when ill stare blankly.

wake up im still asleep.
whoever said you cant be whatever you dream.
im still asleep i cant get up
im stuck inside this nightmare.

not a care in the world
until her tears turned to pearls.

only i can see the past filled with masks and flasks
yelling tasks upon rats rapping mats onto flaccid scabs
force feeding tabs fucking pink filled with tacks.